When we don’t have a strong sense of our own values and boundaries in the world, it leaves us in a very precarious and dis-empowered state. It can make it hard to know what we want and what is right for us. It feeds our self doubt and we constantly search outside our self for answers, adopting other’s ideas and values instead of trusting and getting to know our own!
This is something I struggled with for years.
I was a serious psychic frequenter!! When I was in fear of the unknown and in the face of a decision, I would find myself across the table from a complete stranger with a deck of tarot cards in the hope of gaining comfort, advice and direction towards a bright future! I was so afraid of making the wrong decisions, and everything turning to shit (even when things were going great), I thought that I could control my future by knowing it before it had arrived… until one day I was off to see a very egocentric psychic in the hills who informed me that my current partner of three years was having an affair…
You can imagine how this left me, confused and in complete turmoil over what and who to trust!! I cried the whole way home, calling all of my friends to get their advice on how to handle the situation! My boyfriend was left defending himself while I was scraping for all of the proof like some crazy person, for evidence that this psychic was right! I later discovered after much upheaval, that she was indeed wrong!
This was the eye opener I needed when I discovered just how much pressure and fear I felt around controlling the safety of my future… so much so that I put it in the hands of someone who had known me for less then five minutes!!
The worst part about not trusting yourself, is that when you see a psychic or someone, anyone, who seems more confident then you are, you hang on their sureness for dear life so much so that you completely cut off from your own intuition, and add to your own mistrust!
I had another psychic tell me once that “a blonde woman will come to stay and do not let her in, she will cause trouble…” that was the only information she gave me and it was enough for me to live in fear and hyper vigilance for about four years.. funnily enough, not long after I finally let that story go, the blonde appeared… and I couldn’t have controlled it anyway, nor would I have wanted to in this particular circumstance – she came in the form of “another woman” and if I had of “not let her in” as the psychic warned me, I would still be stuck in a relationship that was based on lies and deceit.
After years of searching outward, I had realised I was completely giving my power away, and blocking myself from what I so longed for, being in the flow of my own life. I had to realise that making mistakes is ok, in fact they are inevitable and mean I have some skin in the game, which kind is kind of exciting… it’s taken most of my life to get to this point!
There is nothing sexy about constantly looking to others to direct our life for us! I have learned that confiding in a very small group of people is the healthiest way to approach anything that I need guidance and advice from, two of those people are professionals who I pay (and who probe me and teach me to look further within) and the others are very dear friends who know me so well and are committed to honesty over making me feel good!
The other day, whilst a very successful and rather ballsy friend was cooking me breakfast and simultaneously sifting through a pile of her past business ventures with me, I inquired in to what her relationship was around fear of failure…
Her response was, “every time something doesn’t work out, I see it gets me closer to what I do want and where I am meant to go, which just excites me more… so every no is a yes!!”
The trick to gaining more trust in our self and our decisions requires getting quiet and still, so we can go within and get to know our own values through asking questions around what is important to us, what we stand for, what our boundaries and non-negotiable’s are, and being willing to take responsibility for all of it, the good stuff and the royal fuck ups – it’s all risky!
I have literally spent years dedicating myself to this. It’s been slow, and has taken a few big hits for me to wake up to what I stand for… but it’s been well worth it.
It’s provided a rich sense of getting to know myself, I am now able to approach the unknown with more of a sense of adventure, have become so much more in touch with my vulnerability (which makes me feel more connected to others) and most of all, feel closer to my authentic self! It’s liberating and has let everyone else who I used to turn to, off the hook!
To anyone who needs to run their decisions past everyone they see in the street plus a psychic (because not only do you not trust yourself, you don’t trust your friends, and probably not the psychic either!!) and still then, you feel crippled by what may or may not happen as a consequence of making your own choices, I highly recommend taking the journey inward.
It’s one of the best things you will do for yourself, you will discover parts of you, you never knew existed – and in there lies all answers you are looking for!!